Gendered workplaces or Coming out, even late, still feels good

[The other day, Mad and I discussed the elements of crafting a share: 1) truthfulness, authenticity, grounded in direct experience 2) sharing must provoke emotion in the sharer 3) give people a context in which to understand the share. I wanted to "share" a before and after story about having a "perfect" opportunity to come out and not taking it til over a year later. -Ray]

A little over a year ago, I experienced a unique employment situation. Namely, I was working at both the Waldorf School of Pittsburgh, as a Classroom Aide with four-year-olds, and at Construction Junction as part of the "de-con" crew, assigned to buildings and houses scheduled to be torn down or remodeled and removing any re-usable materials to bring back to CJ's to be sold. These jobs felt like polar opposites. I remember feeling worried that I was going to use my cutesy non-swear words (like, oh phooey kablooey!) I reserved for Waldorf at CJ's, or let out some majorly inappropriate words at Waldorf.
On the one hand, working at Waldorf, primarily with women, in a clean and orderly and nurturing environment: I covered my tattoo, I watched my language, I spoke quietly, I worked on being a respectful and communicative role model. I baked bread, I told stories, I tied shoes, I used the word "may" often (Yes, you may do this. You may not do that).
This in stark contrast to the loud, dirty, dude-ly, physically tough job at CJ's. I swore, I joked, I hoisted, I ripped up, I smashed in, I wore insulated Carhartt overalls.
Some days I would go straight from the classroom in the morning to a demolition site in the afternoon, eating my lunch on the way. I worked out my morning frustrations by de-nailing floorboards, sawzall-ing through two-by-fours, listening to classic rock.
Another major difference was that while I was out to my supervisor and some co-workers at Waldorf, I was not out to anybody at CJ's. Waldorf is the second job I've had working with children since transitioning. It's become a policy of mine to be open when it comes to working with kids. Not only do I have pretty radical views about gender (and working with kids is so all about gender) but I know that men working in childcare are viewed with skepticism--I wanted to be in control of my own outing in case it came up later. So I wasn't out at CJ's--I mean, I probably came off as quirky, perhaps standoffish, maybe a little queer. But there wasn't any shortage of weirdos working there. Part of the charm, for sure.
Despite the totally dude atmosphere, I did get along well with several of my co-workers. I don't remember hearing anti-gay slurs. Maybe just a handful of times. I might have called someone out on it once or twice and maybe they just didn't say it around me. Heard a lot of sexist crap. Weird how exchanging crappy comments about women is one of the primary ways one knows one has "arrived" in dude-land. Despite the atmosphere I had a really interesting conversation once with one guy about a book called Evolution's Rainbow (2004), a response to Darwin's theory of sexual selection, highlighting all the variations of sex characteristics and gendered behavior present in nature (it's really good!). It's written by a transwoman biologist named Joan Roughgarden. Interestingly enough, she went on to write a book about how evolutionary biology and the bible aren't actually in opposition.
Anyway, my co-worker even mentioned having a friend from Portland who transitioned, and still I didn't come out to him. I knew he would have been just fine with it, but something held me back...
The story comes full circle when, just last week, I was helping out a friend shovel out some nasty, dusty debris left over from gutting the house she is fixing up. She and I worked together at CJ's and I was glad to be working with at least one woman. I'm out to her too, but in general coming out to women is easier for me. So guess who else shows up to help? The guy I worked with who recommended Evolution's Rainbow.
He graciously gave me and my bike a ride home and of course along the way he asks what I'm up to. Well, what a perfect opportunity. I tell him. And of course it's fine. We ended up chatting about this weird gender thing, that weird gender thing, which usually happens after coming out. Coming out opens people up to talk about gender and sexuality in a way they wouldn't usually talk about it--with fascination, with seriousness and also with humor (and not in a primitive "men are from mars" way). I don't pretend to be an expert on gender, but I guess I know more than a lot of people, and plus its fun to play Tiresias.
I'm glad I got a second chance to come out to someone I really wanted to come out to. Being the ITL fellow affords me many more opportunities to come out, as "so, what do you do?" is a question that comes up all the time. Even thought I don't always want to "go there" with people I've just met, talking about what I do as it positively relates to who I am is a privilege afforded to too few in a system where having to compromise one's morals for a paycheck is all too common.